DISCLAIMER: This is a pretty heavy rant and not about rainbows and butterflies, but the blog is also for Gillian and Nia to be able to see later so...
For the past 11 years the holidays haven't been my favorite time of the year. I can solely attribute it to not having Gillian here. (She lives in Connecticut with her Mother)
No matter what, there's never enough time with her. When Nia came along I was so happy to welcome her into the world, but it was bittersweet because Gillian wasn't here to be a part of it. No child can replace another child, and each one is different and at no time did I think having Nia around would somehow patch any missing holes in my heart. Gillian is turning into an amazing young lady. She's going to be a teenager in 2011, hard to believe. I can't even begin to explain the heaviness of the guilt I feel being so far away and separated from her. She is a part of me and lately I have been so overwhelmed with it that I've found myself being distant because she has a wonderful family where she is including a step-dad that loves her and is always there for her and I don't know what I can do or where to fit in anymore. I know Gillian loves me, but I don't know how to be part of her life in a meaningful way 500 miles away when all I want to do is be with her, and I take much of the blame for it.
Every time I look at Nia and all the things she is doing and the time I spend with her it gets overshadowed with the guilt I feel about Gillian not being here. Everytime Gillian is sick, or sad, or needs help, or has a gymnastics or soccer meet all I can do is tell her how much I wish I could be there and it takes a piece of me every time. I don't get to help her with homework or go to parent teacher conferences, and even when I see her there's never enough time to fit everything in.
Probably one of the hardest parts for me is Nia not having Gillian around to be the big sister. They are literally 2 peas in a pod. Similer personalities and mannerisms with enough of an age difference to never have to worry about one stealing the others boyfriends. Two of the most perfect examples of "amazing" I have ever seen. With the holiday season here, I know I can't give them what I want to, but I can only promise to do better at making sure the two of them stay connected. Which is one of the main reasons for this blog. I'd love to be able to give Gillian a phone, and to have a webcam as well. Never know, holiday miracles happen all the time.
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